Life has this weird aspect to it that sometimes your best isn’t good enough. It might not be good enough for your team, your employer, or your friends. Unfortunately, I struggle with the latter.
I have quite a few people who I consider close friends. I grew up with some of them back in Baton Rouge, and I went to college with some of them. In both of these friend circles, I’ve been almost like the rally guy. When I say this, I mean that I am the guy who gets us together. In Baton Rouge, I set up the basketball and football games we played. In college, I would get us together to go out to the bars on the weekend. I’ve set up groupme groups for both of these sets of friends. Its something I like to do, but it seems like its never good enough for my friends.
In college, it always seemed like I was the one who was ignored when we all got together. Even when I asserted myself into conversations, people still chose to ignore me. I remember one night hanging out and watching movies with some people. I would say things and no one would respond. I wanted to leave but I gave my potna a ride. So, I was trying to be polite and not ruin that night for him. I stayed. I stretched out on the ground and I fell asleep. No one even noticed. When I got in the car, I told him that I was never hanging out with those people again and I didn’t.
These types of things happened often in college. People loved to invite me to hang out with a group. I always felt like people wanted me there just to say, ” yeah David is coming” or ” David is there.” But once I got there, it was ok for them to act like I didn’t come. Whenever I bring these things up, I get told ” you’re too sensitive” ” you’re exaggerating” ” its not that bad”. Its always a bunch of blow off excuses.
I started noticing the whole ignored thing in high school. My remedy for it was just hanging out with one person at a time. That works well. If its just me and another person, they cant totally act like I don’t exist. I even struggle with that, but not in person.
I send people memes, gifs, and videos to talk about. They don’t watch them. I was on the news recently and I posted the video in my home friends groupme. None of my friends watched the video. I would send my girlfriend videos of things I thought was interesting. I would even give her the time mark to start and stop watching to shorten the videos for her. She still wouldn’t watch them. It all makes me feel like crap. Everyone wants to be heard and or understood. It just seems like people miss that message with me.
Oftentimes, I’ll post something in my home friends groupme and no one will respond. Someone else will post something else completely different ten minutes later and the conversation gets rolling. I hate that. Its not like I am that way toward any of my friends. If any of them post anything to our group, I respond. If I feel they need encouragement, I give it to them, etc. I understand that people don’t just post or say things for their health. They want to start a dialog and they want a response.
I’ve threatened to delete my home friend groupme before. My brother suggested that I shouldn’t. He said he understood how I felt but its good just for everyone to keep up with each other. I don’t need that shit to keep up with them. If they want to tell me something, they all have my number. It hurts more with the friends from home because I grew up with them. I’ve known them all since I was about 13, and my brother since I can remember. Im not saying these people don’t care. I know they care about me a lot. They just don’t have a problem ignoring me and that pisses me off.
Im here in California now. Soon, I am sure i’ll gravitate towards a group of people and it will be the same shit. I just want a friend who I can discuss my favorite topics with on the regular. Someone who wont ignore me like I am some imaginary friend that they forgot about. Maybe i’ll find people like that, and maybe I wont. When I am worm food, people will know how I felt.